Soul Friendship

Ananda, the beloved attendant and cousin of the Buddha, once asked his teacher a question that has echoed through the centuries. “Master,” he said, “is friendship half of the spiritual life?” And the Buddha replied, without hesitation, “No, Ananda. Friendship is the whole of the spiritual life.”

I didn’t fully understand the depth of that teaching when I was younger. Back then, I chased other things—approval, achievement, a sense of purpose tethered to doing rather than being. I played the roles, wore the masks. I tried to get it all “right,” whether in ministry, in family life, or in some polished version of spirituality. I don’t regret the journey—each part of it shaped me—but I’m so grateful those days are over.

These days, I find myself letting go. Letting go of the need for recognition, the craving for certainty, the grip of performance. Even theological systems—however well-meaning—have less hold on me. I’ve grown less interested in proving or defending belief and more interested in presence, in kindness, in soul-to-soul connection.

At this stage of life, what matters most—aside from my extraordinary family—are the friendships that sustain and surprise me. The real ones. The quiet coffee conversations, the walks that wander into silence, the friends who’ve stayed through the storms and celebrated the dawns. The people who didn’t try to fix me or convert me or explain me to myself—but simply loved me.

It’s only when someone truly loved me that I began to believe I was lovable. That simple, brave love broke something open in me. It helped me trust that maybe—just maybe—God’s love could be that spacious, that kind. And once you’ve tasted that kind of love, fear starts to lose its grip.

I no longer believe that the spiritual life is about climbing some ladder or acquiring secret knowledge. It’s about showing up—honestly, imperfectly—with and for one another. The sacred is found in the companionship of those who see us clearly and still choose to stay.

So yes, Ananda, I understand the Buddha’s words more clearly now. From where I sit—older, hopefully a little wiser, and more tenderhearted—I see it plainly. Soul friendship isn’t part of the spiritual life. It is the spiritual life.

And from this retired university chaplain, you’ll get no argument.